Lately I have been having a lot of feelings about care and disability. So, I thought what better way to talk about it then to make a post that you can publicly consume. Really, this is just a space for me to unpack my feelings surrounding the truth that as a complexly disabled person, I need help with every little thing; from scratching my nose to grabbing a snack, to taking a shit, I need someone to help me with all those things. And it starting to bother me… a lot.
Now, I have needed help with these things my whole life, so it’s not like this comes as some kind of big, loud revelation that I need to learn from, no. This has been the way I have operated from the very beginning, so you think I’d be used to it. Fuck, I thought I’d be used to it too, by now, if I’m honest. But lately, the more I think about that the angrier and angrier that I get. The anger doesn’t even come from a place of anger per se, but rather, I get upset about how I might be perceived as a disabled person because I need help. Of course, when people see a disabled person needing help, we are of course met with the classics: the stares of pity, the “oh man, it sucks you can’t do that” speech and who could forget the overbearing help speech, “Dude, this is no problem whatsoever” (okay, you have said that 5 times, maybe it is weirder for you than you anticipated).
But, for me, as a queer disabled person who talks and writes a lot about sexuality, there are deeper undertones to my upset around needing help. If someone that I like sees that I need help, they’ll see me as less independent, which will translate into them seeing me as less sexy, which will preclude them from looking at me as any kind of partner at all, because who wants to f*ck someone who can’t even scratch their own nose, amirite?
I also get angry because I think, if I could take myself pee or change my own clothes, maybe I’d be more confident to try dating. Maybe I’d be more outgoing. Maybe I’d like myself more and that would shine through?
I just wanted to share this note with all of you who need care now, and for all of you who may need some kind of care in the future. I know it is about so much more than just the help. There is an emotional component to being cared for, and it takes its toll.
Thanks,
ag